Merry a dish?

While life has changed dramatically over the past few months… i still feel that some things never change; and that is the depressing air at home.

I feel envious of people who are able to laugh happily with their family members.

Live harmonously and not have to wake up the the screaming and shouting of 2 parents arguing,.

Perhaps this is fate?

On a different note…

Aaaa…. I hope Air Asia X did not crash. =p

Imagine the pollution a crash would cause.

When will I finally get a sign of life from you?

-ra out!

i want to….

i want to scream.

decided that since i cant do that in my room i might as well just write that i wanna scream here….

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

i feel better. no idea why i wanted to scream though.

untitled

am listening to A7x right now… (their older albums) and suddenly i feel like i am back in singapore. Or actually i am trying to hard to force myself not to relax too much. Because it gets so much harder to stand everything back home when i get a phone call from home or when i go back over the holidays.

I find it so funny how all the noise irritates you but at the same time the words just stand out so much. (am talking about the music)

i cant even muster up the energy to be angry mentally. all i feel is anger. and then that is it.
that is really pathetic.

It feels like i am stuck in this hole and i dont even want to climb out of it because i know that when i do, the same thing is out there, but just that this time i am surrounded by open air and space and feel even worst.

it is the same logic as to why when i am afraid i would rather hide in a closet than to sit in the corner of my room and fear. When you are in the closet, you feel like the space is so small and dense, that all the “badness” in the world would not be able to get in as easily, and you feel safe.
But then in a room, you are surrounded by open space everywhere… and all you feel is the fear lurking around you taunting you.

I find it interesting how even though i am here and away from home i cannot fully relax. Because when i do, i get a phone call back home and something bad has happened again.
It feels like i am being reminded nonstop never to relax and forget.
And while that may be a good lesson, it sure as hell is not good for me mentally.
I am slipping between being “emo” and “normal” (whatever the definition for normal is) constantly and it is just making so freaking confused. And then once in awhile, i get enough strength to just not care at all. (denial or whatever you want to phrase it as being)
The funniest thing is that after so long of moving back and forth between the different ‘modes’, i no longer remember why i feel the way i do or whether it is justified any longer. I have become somewhat numb and yet at the same time my brain has just given up altogether, it no longer wants to asses the situation.
So then i am stuck with feelings that are so numb and hollow all the time, every single time and it really is driving me crazy. I wish i had a direct line with my brain so that i can communicate with it.
It is like how when something becomes too much of a routine that you just move into auto-pilot mode and the meaning behind the actions is lost, like how the more you practice how to solve the rubiks cube, you no longer need to think and it is just all about muscle reaction.
What is worst though is that my emotional reaction is all screwed up now. You feel without knowing why the hell you feel it and then it is gone and when it does come back you just… you have nothing.

But i do know one thing. At the back of my mind, i dont want to relax. I love the idea of having to think. i love thinking, except that now, i just cant seem to do that. (just note how pointless this post is, not a single important point was made. nothing that made me feel like i have learnt something about myself or life at all.)

And so this post will end here while i just try to stimulate my mind to work.

—

Life. always a good topic to try to get yourself thinking non stop.

i am drawing a blank.

it sucks. well, it does not suck, it is how you view life itself. Is it suppose to be good? do you expect life to present you with everything in the first place? if you did then it sucks. it is just like how my dad ends up wanting things to be good all the time and when there are downs in life he gets so depressed and lost. Of course he struggles but then at the same time i can feel his hatred for life.

i feel like i am killing my father by just existing. i see his life as being so pointless, him struggling so much  to support me and my bro and he not getting what he wants only to face even more issues as time passes. perhaps the new enlightenment i have now gained is that i feel a lesser need to exist. But i am too much of a coward to just kill myself anyway. what makes it worst is that i have no goal in life. my only goal is not to be my mother, and i find that right now i am succeeding in fulfilling that goal, i am just scared that as time passes, i will end up like her anyway. So why not just dissappear before you fail? Perhaps it is because i HATE to lose. Which i am glad is the only thing that i have going for me right now. I freaking hate to lose, losing means you get nowhere, no one give a damn about you anyway. why the hell would you want to make yourself even worst by losing.
And while winning might not be everything, it sure as hell means alot in a world where people judge you and stereotype you before they even attempt to understand you.

And now i am starting to feel better.

-post edited, paragraphs removed-

boy i am so happy right now.

-ra out

back…. after…

Back due to “popular” demand, is a new post from me! (be happy simmie! XP) hahahaa

alright, so it is the new sem and i am busy.. (yeah right, busy slacking is more towards the truth), but anyway… it has been freezing!! i am having trouble typing even =_= fingers are just not working the way i want them to.

School:

school has been.. well i have been skipping it at a fairly consistent rate (dont kill me!!!! i promise i will TRY to attend classes more often?) ^^

well, just manage to finish my work… 2 projects in a day… so… not too bad.. left with editing the draft of my essay and adding in a bibli. i am so lazy to do that, i hate doing that. >_<

Digital Imaging Project 1 is basically about noise…. creating a non-representative digital image of noise using illustrator… i shall upload a screen shot.. (let me know what you think about it!)

[click image to enlarge]

Graphic Design Studio 4 Project 1: create a logo for Brain Injury Australia (seeing as to how i feel i might actually have brain injury I am finding this project to be rather ironic and hilarious to do.) screen shot will be uploaded as well… soon… (after i take them)

[same thing, click to enlarge]

i am too lazy to explain what the logos are about but basically the first and the 3rd one is a joke.

1st: see how retarded they look? —> brain injury?? get it? lol… there is more crap behind that design but that is the gist of what it means

2nd: ‘I’ is hidden. they whole idea of injury being hidden (that was the explanation of brain injury in the brief anyway)

3rd: making fun of the whole “Punk” “Blonde” thing.  you know the whole dumb blonde joke and how society see those ‘punk rockers’ as being “crazy” or “mentally unstable”.

yeah… so that is my project end result… done over a few hours… not too good but i shall see how things go during presentation. see whether the teacher likes it or not. ^^ wish me luck!

Club:

Well, i joined the anime club last sem so… hmm… yeah… anime club.. (stop laughing you guys… i know you are so stop it)

Well, it is rather fun i guess, helps keep me occupied and not so bored ^^v plus they have a social night on thurs so YAY for that. And they plan on having a paintball thing in week 6 of school and some other stuff… (does not sound so otaku-ish right?)

Today:

Well, went to play pool with a pal, had dinner, went to the arcade. Then loads of rubiks cube. Hung out at another pal’s place and then we pop by BP at 11 smth (at night, bloody cold) and then we went back to her place and just talked about stuff…

so that is my day for today… it was really fun though! ^^

(i just wish i had my drum sticks with me when we went to the arcade)

(GONG!!! if you are reading this… new drum machine!!! V5 is out!!!! WOOHOO!!! go try it and let me know what you think of it.. i am not very sure if singapore plans on updating the machines though, seeing as to how they totally skipped v3 and the v4 machines are relatively new.)

alright then folks. night! (i need to shower… shall upload picts after i am done with my shower!)

i think this is the first un-emo post in a looooong time… ^^v good to be back in aussie and away from the emo stuff… though i am missing singapore terribly. T_T sigh…

edit: picts uploaded… (i still haven’t showered =_=!)

-ra out!

leaving? leaving? left.

my mom decided to leave the house today.

what is different? this time she left with 2 luggages and i dont think she is coming back.

i cant say that i am unhappy nor can i say that i am happy. i might actually have become numb to certain things in life already.
my mom has her faults, my dad has his. all in all, i am more stressed back in singapore for a holiday than during exam week in aussie.

with all the lack of hope everyone seems to be psychically transmitting into the atmosphere, i am surprise i am able to stay happy and “hopeful”. i think i might actually just gone into a mood of not really wanting to bother about anything anymore.

i know i have said it many times before, but i am actually feeling it now, no real motivation, no goals in life, and no hope for a happy future yet at the same time i can sense myself wanting to be motivated, making unconscious goals and planning subtly for the future.
does that mean that i care or that i dont?

perhaps it is this state of balance that is giving me a sense of inner peace and at the same time making everything seem too tranquil without turmoil, so much so that the disturbances from the “outside”
world affects me little.

just like everyone i want to be better. better what? that i am what-you-may-call ‘inactively-searching’ for an answer to.

sigh, money, every issue is about money. seems like the lack of cash and hearing my dad say… “die” and giving us a timer as to how long we would be able to survive is starting to take a certain toll on me —
being unmotivated and slack.

i just cannot seem to muster up the strength to be bothered anymore. and yet i am (bothered that is).

my family is pretty twisted, actually my dad might be what others would say a “cool” dad, he talks to you about sex, his girlfriends, his love interesting, boobs, hot bods, and is open to everything that he agrees with (just do not disagree with him). It is utterly life-draining to communicate with him.
Having to watch every word for fear that a wrong answer or word would trigger a mental breakdown on my side(non stop lectures on death and the sound of the timer ticking down even louder).

conclusion? this is not healthy.

i know the post title was a reference to my mom leaving, but then again, she is another body of problems and i have barely even begun to describe the issues of my dad (i dont plan on saying more on that either).

-ra out (i want an older brother who can look after me and be my buddy. =_=”)

house 4×16

omg. i just saw ep 16 of house. T_T A brilliant season finale for season 4.

it is such a touching episode. I think that this was really one of the best ep of house. The suspense, the drama, the sadness and finally the end of the ep.

It was a really emotional episode and the growth of all the characters in this ep was astounding.

people finally facing up to life and just finding out the truth without letting fear win.

aaaaaa.. it was a great episode. all i have to say is, i applaud the writers of this episode.

The buildup from last ep was great, the character developments, the bondings and the changes. I loved it.

and i don’t think that the next episode(in the next season) would be able to keep up the drama and tension of this episode.

Though it was very non-house-ish in the sense that diagnostically, it was only for half an ep but i just liked it.

of course going back to the typical house trend might be fun.

i guess others might find this episode too emotional and dramatic that it borderlines on being a soap opera, but i dont feel that way.

apart from the plot being really good, the ep was great due to the actors good acting as well. The actor who played Wilson really gave a believable performance. Even by the end of the ep i ended up liking Amber. =_= she seemed so much nicer in this episode.

anyway, i just *HAD* to blog about this ep after having seen it.

It is sad that due to the writers strike both Numb3rs and House seasons ended prematurely with only 18 n 16 eps respectively.

but one things for sure, the writers must have been inspired after the strike (or they must have got what they wanted) because BOTH the plots for the season finales were good… REALLY good. too bad next season is nearly half a year away.

With all the good dramas ending around this time, i wonder what would replace it. anything nice?

The start?

well, i finally manage to pass the message out to some of the gong people regarding the book.

Char has been effectively ignoring me. so yeah, thats about that i gues.

sharon has not been online and neither has she replied on facebook. But that is fine… shall have to find another way to contact them.

I have decided that… well, everyone just needs 8 pages worth of words/comic strip/illustration/whatever. (dont just put pictures because that will not be counted into your 8 pages worth.)

—-

on a different note

i think Lee Hom singing rocks

aaaaaa…. i love the dude man! he is so cool. his voice is so mesmerizing. ~~~~~(*_*)

okay. so far i have written about 2 pages worth of words? =_= feeling quite unspirational right now. i realise that i cant remember ALOT of things. argh.

i felt like this… -struck by inspiration-

as time passes and as we forget everything, all that remains are the feelings that we have for one another and the bond that we share.

—–

and that is the end of my short lived cliche inspired phrase. and that is how i really fell though. i just feel it, those moments, they are there and i feel them but i cant remember them and i dont need to.

it all boils down to how we feel i guess.

Gong people: lets make a new book!!

well, not a real book, but a book nonetheless.

basically, i am suggesting that the gong family just each submit a short (10-20 pages) story on what they think the gong family is to them, what it is all about, or just about themselves as well.

I know that everyone is busy and all, but i am sure writing something like this would not be too hard right? Just say what is in your heart.

Why?

because i think that we are all living seperate lives now and ti would be nice to read a book and see what we use to feel, like many years later.
Yes people, we are growing old and our memory is failing us soon.

Plus when you are far away it is a good thing to have some memories.

We can make it like a Gong Family Memory book or smth.

all i am saying is you guys write words and maybe i can compile them when i get back home etc and print them out and what not.

let me know what you think yea?

spread the word on your blog! ( i know my blog is as dead as hell)

-ra out

=_=

omg,headache man… drama at home again. AGAIN. everyday

my mom talked to a salesman and was joking with the guy cos the guy ask her to try on the clothes and she was like.. “don’t want la” anyway… they were joking and my dad heard it on the phone cos my mom’s phone was not locked and it accidentally called my dad. =_=

naturally. hell broke lose

my dad started complaining and going on and on (like as though that was the greatest cheating in the world)

my god.

sesh.

my mom was only talking to the sales man. like that is something wrong. my dad said that she could have asked to speak to a girl instead. Honestly, who would tell a sales guy “no, i dont want to talk to you because you are a guy, i want to talk to the girl instead” that is just so wrong.

Anyway, cut back to aussie

dad called me at night and ranted for half an hour

and then….

cut back to home in singapore

mom goes home and curses my dad cause my dad nagged non stop
and what happens? my dad slaps my mom.
And my mom bit my dad on his arm (like dog like that)
And then she wanted to go to the police to report it
And then my brother (17years old) got so pissed and scolded my mom
My mom ignored
Then my brother had high blood pressure. (yes at 17 =_=) High blood pressure from 110 jumped to 180 and he kena asthma attack.
And my mom went to play mahjong
My brother went to see doctor

DOTS!

i swear! this is one of the minor situations that happens at home all so often. This is like a weekly occurrence man.

i should write a book with my brother and title it – ‘1000 ways to start world war 4 at home.’

The best part, my dad told my mom to go to the police and he will just show them the handphone print out of her talking to a guy (her friend’s boyfriend) at 4am in the morning(approx 3 years ago). Afterall she started it first, or so he thinks… but if you cut back to many many many years before…. like a decade ago, who was the one who cheated first and got the person pregnant and got them to abort the kids.

sigh.

sometimes, i am amazed at how people can just ignore the bad that they do and focus on the bad that others do.

right now, i think that both of them are in the wrong, but at diff parts.

Mom – too selfish too selfcentered

Dad – thinks too much about sex

Brother – no issue there

Me – am running away from reality

i think the only one normal in my family is my bro. i think.

-ra out =_= suddenly anime seems so much less complicated.

Tiredddd

Oh my gawddd…

Ever since the new season of anime started, everything started piling up.

Anime that i wanted to watch

Tests

Work

Projects

People dropping in

—

Suddenly i am so busy…

Is april the busy bee month of the year?? lol

anyway, just wanted to post a short post. Its been ages since i last posted something anyway.

Though my other blog is pretty active. I have been posting about anime stuff there non stop almost everyday… so check it out if you are free.

www.otakuness.wordpress.com

-ra out!