i want to….

i want to scream.

decided that since i cant do that in my room i might as well just write that i wanna scream here….

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

i feel better. no idea why i wanted to scream though.

untitled

am listening to A7x right now… (their older albums) and suddenly i feel like i am back in singapore. Or actually i am trying to hard to force myself not to relax too much. Because it gets so much harder to stand everything back home when i get a phone call from home or when i go back over the holidays.

I find it so funny how all the noise irritates you but at the same time the words just stand out so much. (am talking about the music)

i cant even muster up the energy to be angry mentally. all i feel is anger. and then that is it.
that is really pathetic.

It feels like i am stuck in this hole and i dont even want to climb out of it because i know that when i do, the same thing is out there, but just that this time i am surrounded by open air and space and feel even worst.

it is the same logic as to why when i am afraid i would rather hide in a closet than to sit in the corner of my room and fear. When you are in the closet, you feel like the space is so small and dense, that all the “badness” in the world would not be able to get in as easily, and you feel safe.
But then in a room, you are surrounded by open space everywhere… and all you feel is the fear lurking around you taunting you.

I find it interesting how even though i am here and away from home i cannot fully relax. Because when i do, i get a phone call back home and something bad has happened again.
It feels like i am being reminded nonstop never to relax and forget.
And while that may be a good lesson, it sure as hell is not good for me mentally.
I am slipping between being “emo” and “normal” (whatever the definition for normal is) constantly and it is just making so freaking confused. And then once in awhile, i get enough strength to just not care at all. (denial or whatever you want to phrase it as being)
The funniest thing is that after so long of moving back and forth between the different ‘modes’, i no longer remember why i feel the way i do or whether it is justified any longer. I have become somewhat numb and yet at the same time my brain has just given up altogether, it no longer wants to asses the situation.
So then i am stuck with feelings that are so numb and hollow all the time, every single time and it really is driving me crazy. I wish i had a direct line with my brain so that i can communicate with it.
It is like how when something becomes too much of a routine that you just move into auto-pilot mode and the meaning behind the actions is lost, like how the more you practice how to solve the rubiks cube, you no longer need to think and it is just all about muscle reaction.
What is worst though is that my emotional reaction is all screwed up now. You feel without knowing why the hell you feel it and then it is gone and when it does come back you just… you have nothing.

But i do know one thing. At the back of my mind, i dont want to relax. I love the idea of having to think. i love thinking, except that now, i just cant seem to do that. (just note how pointless this post is, not a single important point was made. nothing that made me feel like i have learnt something about myself or life at all.)

And so this post will end here while i just try to stimulate my mind to work.

—

Life. always a good topic to try to get yourself thinking non stop.

i am drawing a blank.

it sucks. well, it does not suck, it is how you view life itself. Is it suppose to be good? do you expect life to present you with everything in the first place? if you did then it sucks. it is just like how my dad ends up wanting things to be good all the time and when there are downs in life he gets so depressed and lost. Of course he struggles but then at the same time i can feel his hatred for life.

i feel like i am killing my father by just existing. i see his life as being so pointless, him struggling so much  to support me and my bro and he not getting what he wants only to face even more issues as time passes. perhaps the new enlightenment i have now gained is that i feel a lesser need to exist. But i am too much of a coward to just kill myself anyway. what makes it worst is that i have no goal in life. my only goal is not to be my mother, and i find that right now i am succeeding in fulfilling that goal, i am just scared that as time passes, i will end up like her anyway. So why not just dissappear before you fail? Perhaps it is because i HATE to lose. Which i am glad is the only thing that i have going for me right now. I freaking hate to lose, losing means you get nowhere, no one give a damn about you anyway. why the hell would you want to make yourself even worst by losing.
And while winning might not be everything, it sure as hell means alot in a world where people judge you and stereotype you before they even attempt to understand you.

And now i am starting to feel better.

-post edited, paragraphs removed-

boy i am so happy right now.

-ra out

back…. after…

Back due to “popular” demand, is a new post from me! (be happy simmie! XP) hahahaa

alright, so it is the new sem and i am busy.. (yeah right, busy slacking is more towards the truth), but anyway… it has been freezing!! i am having trouble typing even =_= fingers are just not working the way i want them to.

School:

school has been.. well i have been skipping it at a fairly consistent rate (dont kill me!!!! i promise i will TRY to attend classes more often?) ^^

well, just manage to finish my work… 2 projects in a day… so… not too bad.. left with editing the draft of my essay and adding in a bibli. i am so lazy to do that, i hate doing that. >_<

Digital Imaging Project 1 is basically about noise…. creating a non-representative digital image of noise using illustrator… i shall upload a screen shot.. (let me know what you think about it!)

[click image to enlarge]

Graphic Design Studio 4 Project 1: create a logo for Brain Injury Australia (seeing as to how i feel i might actually have brain injury I am finding this project to be rather ironic and hilarious to do.) screen shot will be uploaded as well… soon… (after i take them)

[same thing, click to enlarge]

i am too lazy to explain what the logos are about but basically the first and the 3rd one is a joke.

1st: see how retarded they look? —> brain injury?? get it? lol… there is more crap behind that design but that is the gist of what it means

2nd: ‘I’ is hidden. they whole idea of injury being hidden (that was the explanation of brain injury in the brief anyway)

3rd: making fun of the whole “Punk” “Blonde” thing.  you know the whole dumb blonde joke and how society see those ‘punk rockers’ as being “crazy” or “mentally unstable”.

yeah… so that is my project end result… done over a few hours… not too good but i shall see how things go during presentation. see whether the teacher likes it or not. ^^ wish me luck!

Club:

Well, i joined the anime club last sem so… hmm… yeah… anime club.. (stop laughing you guys… i know you are so stop it)

Well, it is rather fun i guess, helps keep me occupied and not so bored ^^v plus they have a social night on thurs so YAY for that. And they plan on having a paintball thing in week 6 of school and some other stuff… (does not sound so otaku-ish right?)

Today:

Well, went to play pool with a pal, had dinner, went to the arcade. Then loads of rubiks cube. Hung out at another pal’s place and then we pop by BP at 11 smth (at night, bloody cold) and then we went back to her place and just talked about stuff…

so that is my day for today… it was really fun though! ^^

(i just wish i had my drum sticks with me when we went to the arcade)

(GONG!!! if you are reading this… new drum machine!!! V5 is out!!!! WOOHOO!!! go try it and let me know what you think of it.. i am not very sure if singapore plans on updating the machines though, seeing as to how they totally skipped v3 and the v4 machines are relatively new.)

alright then folks. night! (i need to shower… shall upload picts after i am done with my shower!)

i think this is the first un-emo post in a looooong time… ^^v good to be back in aussie and away from the emo stuff… though i am missing singapore terribly. T_T sigh…

edit: picts uploaded… (i still haven’t showered =_=!)

-ra out!